Musings of a Dumb Ass

Sometime ago I became acquainted and involved with a church group, not particularly in a religious kind of way, but more so in a friendship and social way. I've found that I need to be around people of faith. I'm not sure why, only that it makes me feel better.

A few weeks back the Minister, who I admire and respect, delivered a message about loneliness and depression. While he wasn't completely on point about it in my world, he realized there was such a thing, and wanted to help those troubled with it.

My entire life has been on a ringside seat for depression, and for that matter, loneliness too. My depression is of the deepest and most miserable kind, and I've experienced loneliness of the most devastating nature even while surrounded by those who admire me and want to be near for whatever reason, and over the years there have been many who wanted to be around for the laughs and fellowship, never suspecting how miserable I was even to the point of being suicidal.

I've often wondered what's to become of a damned fool like me and have no answers.

I think not many around me ever guessed how I really felt about life and those in it, and the miniscule few I've ever talked to about it found it so very hard to believe, I think they just sort of set it aside as something I imagined or wasn't that big of a deal. They just weren't present when I had a gun barrel in my mouth or my foot on the accelerator wrestling the temptation to swerve into the semi I was meeting. It is a terrible feeling with no explanations nor cure.

Most believe those with the problem need professional help. I believe there is no such thing as help, and those who were helped by someone else never really had the problem to begin with, because there is no relief, no cure, only interludes, sure to be followed by your old nemisis, just waiting to visit again.

The Christmas season is here, and many find it hard to navigate, and so do I. While I don't completely understand my problems with life, I can promise I certainly don't understand anyone else's.

I made a rule some years ago that's kept me from doing something stupid, and I recommend it to anyone who truly feels life itself is unsurmountable and not worth living. It's very simple. If you truly are to a place that ending it is a temptation, wait 24 hours. So far there's not been a time that life didn't look much better for me, and hold promise.... in just 24 hours..... Merry Christmas