I really am crazy..... I guess
Life is a very confusing proposition for me. It has a simplicity that is confounded by confusion. You're born, you breathe, you struggle, you dream, you beat and get beat, all the while knowing nothing is forever.
The awareness of life is the magic of living and that too is strange for me. It is an impossibility for me to ignore the riddles of our being and it is not possible for me to dismiss the entire phonomona as an exercise done at the whim of some mysterious power for its own pleasure who will reward me if I do what some self appointed authority who lived thousands of years ago and is steeped in mystery suggested I do.
My youngest son who seems to have found peace for himself left yesterday after a very pleasant two day visit in which we had some great conversations, as we always do. He respects me enough to not opine as to how I should prepare for the inevitable nor where I'm going if I make no preparation at all, which makes me respect him greatly and allows us to talk and explore.
He explained to me that he found God through Satan, reasoning first that if there was a God, there had to be a Satan and vice versa, and that he knew there was a Satan, so therefore there had to be a God. He didn't tell me exactly how he come to the conclusion Satan was real, whether it was a mental or physical event or spiritual beyond my realm of understanding. Nor did he explain to me why he believed the Bible, or why he thought Jesus was representative of God, or why such a powerful and omnipotent force would have to have a representative as a buffer or example to lowly humans on how to conduct themselves. But he did display a peace within himself that I'm a bit jealous of.
What I smell and see looks the same to me as it always has, yet my body is beginning to feel different, making me aware of the concept of age. My stamina is less now along with just about every other fact and sensation of my physical living. I fail to feel the wisdom old people are supposed to have. Instead I have fear. Fear of not having enough. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear that my beloved wife might go before me. Fear of boredom. A respected fear can be confused with wisdom.
And I have sadness. Sadness that my children are getting old. Sadness that my grandchildren will also get old. Sadness that it will remain my duty to tend to each of my pets as they die. Sadness that such a simple world can remain so hopelessly complicated even though the complications are all created by humans and could easily be erased by the same.
I am spellbound by the entertwinement of my inner self and my body. My inner self is as adventuresome and alert as it's ever been although my body isn't. I am aware that my innerself may weaken also, but not likely at the same pace as my body, leading me to suspect that my inner self and my body are two separate entities dependent on each other in this life but who may separate after the body quits. Which brings tragedy into the equation. It is tragic that this gorgeous body has no future. It is maddening to wonder what may happen to my inner self or what it could morph into. I have a headache now ................
The awareness of life is the magic of living and that too is strange for me. It is an impossibility for me to ignore the riddles of our being and it is not possible for me to dismiss the entire phonomona as an exercise done at the whim of some mysterious power for its own pleasure who will reward me if I do what some self appointed authority who lived thousands of years ago and is steeped in mystery suggested I do.
My youngest son who seems to have found peace for himself left yesterday after a very pleasant two day visit in which we had some great conversations, as we always do. He respects me enough to not opine as to how I should prepare for the inevitable nor where I'm going if I make no preparation at all, which makes me respect him greatly and allows us to talk and explore.
He explained to me that he found God through Satan, reasoning first that if there was a God, there had to be a Satan and vice versa, and that he knew there was a Satan, so therefore there had to be a God. He didn't tell me exactly how he come to the conclusion Satan was real, whether it was a mental or physical event or spiritual beyond my realm of understanding. Nor did he explain to me why he believed the Bible, or why he thought Jesus was representative of God, or why such a powerful and omnipotent force would have to have a representative as a buffer or example to lowly humans on how to conduct themselves. But he did display a peace within himself that I'm a bit jealous of.
What I smell and see looks the same to me as it always has, yet my body is beginning to feel different, making me aware of the concept of age. My stamina is less now along with just about every other fact and sensation of my physical living. I fail to feel the wisdom old people are supposed to have. Instead I have fear. Fear of not having enough. Fear of not being able to take care of myself. Fear that my beloved wife might go before me. Fear of boredom. A respected fear can be confused with wisdom.
And I have sadness. Sadness that my children are getting old. Sadness that my grandchildren will also get old. Sadness that it will remain my duty to tend to each of my pets as they die. Sadness that such a simple world can remain so hopelessly complicated even though the complications are all created by humans and could easily be erased by the same.
I am spellbound by the entertwinement of my inner self and my body. My inner self is as adventuresome and alert as it's ever been although my body isn't. I am aware that my innerself may weaken also, but not likely at the same pace as my body, leading me to suspect that my inner self and my body are two separate entities dependent on each other in this life but who may separate after the body quits. Which brings tragedy into the equation. It is tragic that this gorgeous body has no future. It is maddening to wonder what may happen to my inner self or what it could morph into. I have a headache now ................
posted by Bo at 8:15 PM
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