Musings of a Dumb Ass

Musings of a Dumb Ass..... I don't think anyone has ever lived who could correctly define what their journey through life meant, although I believe anyone with enough sense to tie their shoes at some point or other wondered what it was all about. I've lived my life almost as someone watching themselves from afar disecting what they done or why they done it and satisfying themselves with their answers. It's interesting to journey to what is most assuredly the beginning of the end of what we know and understand to be life and take note of the changes in what is important to you and the growing uncertainty of whether you were ever right about the choices you made and even whether or not your core values are as you always believed, or deep down did you have this hint of hypocracy that wasn't even known to yourself? Personal honesty has always been paramount to peace for me and late at night I've never lost sleep because I lied to myself, albeit I may have spent some time looking at the ceiling because someone lied to me. But now that time is taking on a new value for me it does cause me to question some things I thought I understood. The importance of role models is much clearer to me than when I was young. A young man will presume fire in the belly will allow those with the will to survive with style and success, while an old man won't argue the importance and power of fire in the belly, but will understand that a much better world will come when everyone is shown the power of strength and fairness and the value of morals. A young man may confuse hard knocks as a way to get tough skin but an old man realizes too late that backbone comes from love and dedication and no fear of the consequences. Some go through life looking for something or somebody to lean on fearing to look reality in the face. I never done that. Me and reality have had an interesting trip together. When I was about 20 I allowed myself to have unbridled thoughts about God and creation. After I came to grips with the idea that I might die unable to sign up on any plan for salvation and eternal life, I was able to look at the hereafter in a much different way and opted to do my very best to grab everything I could experience in life as opposed to living within the restraints of unlivable servitude as laid out by some other mortal from another time or place that didn't work for me. Of course, I don't have the answer, because here I am an old man with many more questions than answers, with thoughts rattling around in an inept brain, but I must have done something right because I have such pleasant memories, and I am somewhat at peace with myself. I had a conversation with a woman a couple of days ago who is killing herself everyday a little at a time, too much money, too much time, the inability to get out of bed and grab the day, preferring to leave the television on the weather channel and chain smoking, looking out the window at nothing, thinking about nothing, keeping track only of the next doctor's appointment and imagining her next illness but unable to imagine her death. I don't believe I've mastered the art of living but I'm afraid my friend never introduced herself to life and will go her way without enjoying the experience in the simplest of terms. I suppose the real tragedy of life is to start having a greater understanding of it when it is beginning to fade instead of when it shined so brightly. There is very definitely a richness to getting old, if you refuse to give up your sanity, but I can promise you, it ain't near as much fun as it was forty years ago..................